The Infamous Manliness Test
by Eragon-vodhr
Summary: Are you manly enough? Root, Artemis, Foaly, and Mulch compete for this prestigious title, but how will it end? R
1. Chapter 1

**THE ONE, THE ONLY – THE MANLY TEST!**

Julius Root inspected the three fairies and the human that stood before him with distasteful silence. Foaly, Artemis, and Mulch had grudgingly agreed to sign up for this test only to placate the commander, and had found that this was a huge mistake. After awhile of pacing, Root cleared his throat and spoke.

"Well, I must begin on telling you the facts. There are three tests in which any man could complete, and others, well, not a chance. The first is being regarded by the great Wheel of Testosterone!" The elf paused for drama, but it didn't give him quite the effect he was looking for. All three made faces of either disgust or amusement. Only one dared to speak.

"I do hope you don't mean this literally," commented Artemis coolly.

"Of course not," Root said, purpling, "It's only a name."

But this didn't convince them.

Soon, an LEP officer rolled in a large wheel with different icon on each side. When the officer left, Root puffed out his chest.

"This is the wheel. When you spin it, it will land on the amount of manliness that you have. Of course, not all of us will be up to scratch." He cast an accusing glance at Artemis, who pretended not to notice. "So, who's first?"

Foaly was chosen. The centaur trotted calmly up to the wheel and turned it casually. It spun until friction slowed it to a gradual stop. The wheel beeped indignantly and announced in a computer-voice: "_Congratulations, you are 54 of a man."_

The rest of the opponents clapped half-heartedly, and Foaly stepped down. After he was Mulch, who scurried up, wrenched down on the wheel sharply, and scurried back. The force sent it into frenzy, and didn't stop for several minutes.

The computer soon chirped again, and said: _"You have 88 manliness, and are in the lead."_

Mulch was extremely smug, and remained so until Artemis sauntered up and turned the wheel. It spun for only a moment and cried: _"You are 34 of a man."_

Artemis shrugged. "The accuracy of this machine is poor anyway," he murmured.

Root leapt up as if he sat on a tack, and rushed to the wheel. As it spun, the commander treated them to a speech.

"When this stops, you will see a _true _man emerge. You are all respectable in one way or another, but I will truly—"

He was cut short by the voice: _"You have 14 manliness."_

Root's face was turning several violent shades of violet until the three's laughter subsided. When he sat, they swore they could hear him muttering: "Below the Mudboy even! That thing must be faulty…"

They waited patiently for the officer to take the Wheel of Testosterone away again, and knew they were in for another lecture as Root stood importantly.

"That was, however, only the first test. The rest will be more grueling than just doing the simple task of _spinning a wheel_."

A sigh erupted from Artemis, Foaly, and Mulch. It was going to be a long day.

**A/N: I know it's short. Reviews would be nice!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello! Welcome back….**

**Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Artemis Fowl. If I did, I wouldn't be wasting my time with a fanfiction. On with the show!**

Task Two: The Obstacle Course of DOOM!

Again, the four contestants faced a difficult challenge: Surviving the day without going absolutely insane.

"Let me guess," yawned Foaly, examining his nails thoughtfully. "A dangerous task, fraught with perils beyond comprehension."

Root didn't bother with an angry reply. "This next challenge is an obstacle course. Don't take it lightly, though, because it will be the most difficult. On the buzzer…. ready…. set…."

A loud buzzer rang, and the four ran out of the starting gate feverishly (In Foaly's case, cantered).

Mulch immediately unhinged his jaw. It is, of course, a proven fact that dwarves can burrow faster than they can run. Foaly was the fastest, owing to his uncanny ability to gallop faster than most other centaurs. Root was pretty much average. His tiny legs prevented him from going over 1 mile per hour. Artemis was the slowest. His poor physical conditions made him sweat hard, and after a couple of minutes, he dropped to his knees. A furry creature popped out of the earth a few meters ahead, and turned back to look at Artemis.

"Aw, what's wrong, Mud Boy?" Teased Mulch. "The hurdles are next."

The boy had a slight mental spasm. "Hurdles?" He said meekly. Very unlike him.

Mulch grinned, showing rows of tombstone teeth. "Yes, Mud Boy. Hurdles. Think you can take 'em?" The dwarf disappeared back under the ground.

Meanwhile, Foaly was running ahead nonchalantly, feeling quite full of himself. "I think I'll rest awhile. Those hurdles _really _took a lot off of me." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Root was gaining slowly, until he could see Foaly's hairy behind over a short hurdle.

"D'Arvit," murmured Root, stumbling to become faster. "That civilian is going to beat me. Time for some…. Rule breaking."

Of course, Root is horrible at tricking people, especially when they are as astute as Foaly (Excuse me, did I say astute? I meant paranoid.) Unfortunately, this paranoia pushed the line in Root's favor.

"Hey, Foaly!" Cried the commander between rushed breaths, "Opal…. Opal Koboi!" He pointed to the sky aimlessly, but nevertheless, Foaly looked.

This was all the advantage Beetroot needed. He used last of his energy to speed in front of the centaur with a loud, "Ha!"

Now, let's join our favorite dwarf.

The dirt was moist and easily accessible, and his **ahem** _gas_, propelled him further. Suddenly, his bowels groaned. _Oh, no, _he thought miserably, _not now!_ Pain racked his entire body and he moaned loudly. _I'll have to pull my own trigger._

Mulch leaned slowly and took his little toe between his thumb and index finger. He squeezed, hard. Once this happened, all of the built up pressure in his body blasted out one end, sending him careening ahead. Not to mention making him feel much better. Excuse me if this makes you sick.

Artemis was ways behind the group, his vision blurred and his Armani suit was drenched in sweat. _I smell like BO, _he thought angrily. _What's the point in continuing?_ After this deduction, Artemis stopped, and sat sulking, much like a bratty child.

Unfortunately for our little genius, when the race ended, he was dead last, Root first, Foaly second, and Mulch third. Root, although his face glowed with the heat of the competition, still had fight enough in him to boast.

"And that, my friends, was a race," announced Root. Mulch scowled, rolled his eyes, and unbuttoned his flap.

I'm sure we all know what comes next.

**A/N: Next up: Any real man knows how to: Talk to a girl? Yikes.**


	3. Chapter 3

The Final Task: The Most Dangerous, Difficult, and Romantic Test of all: ASKING HOLLY SHORT ON A DATE! WARNING: HOLLY/ARTEMIS SHIPPING.

Holly was escorted in, unaware of her situation. Root beamed as she sat grumpily on a chair placed there for her, and swelled up. My prolific readers can guess what's coming next.

"Okay," started the commander, "The final task is at hand. Before we fill in Holly for what she's here for, let's introduce you to our celebrity judges, who will be grading your performance for today!"

A curtain was drawn, and three judges sat at the panel. All of them looked extremely disgruntled.

"The first is…our very own Chix Verbil!"

Chix was posing in the first chair, grasping a mirror in one hand, and a comb in the other. He grinned toothily, and then settled back into his nonchalant state.

"The next is… Lili Frond!"

A disgusted scowl marked Holly's lips for a fraction of a second, as Lili twisted a stand of hair around her slender finger.

Root drew breath, supposedly to further the drama. If he wasn't such a successful LEP officer, he could have been a Show Host.

"And our last, but certainly not least, Butler!"

Butler shifted uncomfortably in his tiny fairy chair. Artemis stared at him with disbelief.

"Butler?" He asked. "How did they get _you_ down here?"

"Apparently they made a clever video of you tied up with a gun to your head. I should have suspected it was a trap."

"Enough, enough," said Root. "Time for our task! Holly, can you guess why you're here?"

"Umm…." Thought Holly sarcastically. "Let me guess, some idiotic idea thought up by Foaly?"

Foaly whinnied indignantly.

"How dare you accuse me of this?" The centaur cried. "I'm just as much of a victim here as you."

"Actually, Short," Root cut in. "It was _my _idea. So you'd best keep your mouth shut. This is a task called _Talk to a girl_, and it involves all four of us trying to get a date from you."

"I'm going to say no to all of you, you know," snorted Holly.

"If you want to keep your job, you won't."

Holly quieted, and the games began.

Mulch was first, and strode up to Holly with an overlarge smile on his face. "Hey, I make it a point not to date beyond my species, but…. I think I want to go on a date with you."

"I'm honored."

"No, really, how about this Friday?"

"If you take a shower," said Holly, sniffing the air around Mulch disdainfully.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes."

The exchange was over quickly, and soon Chix had opened his mouth to grade the dwarf's performance.

"On a scale of one to ten, I'd give you a five," said Chix, smoothing his hair and admiring the effect in the mirror. "That was an awful performance, but you got the date."

Lili rolled her eyes. "Oh, _Chix_, your soooooo in denial. Mulch, I'll give you an eight."

"Ahem…." Said Butler, straightening his tie. "I don't know much about…. ahem…. dating. I would give you a seven though, because Holly is hard to get."

Before anyone could ask how _exactly_ Butler knew this, Foaly clopped up, smiling sheepishly.

"Hey, Holly," he whinnied, trying to be cool. "Hey, you want to go on a date? I know…. I know…. This is rushed…. But I'd like to go with you."

Holly grinned. "Sweet," she said. "Sure."

Then it was over.

"Erm…." Said Chix. "You got her to actually blush. Extra points for that. So, um, eight."

"Well, Foaly, I think you were super adorable," crooned Lili. "Ten!"

"That is absurd, Lili," said Butler. "It was good, so I'll give you an eight as well."

After that, no one stepped up to the task. Root glared at Artemis plaintively. Artemis, however, avoided his gaze. The commander sighed and bounded forward.

"Holly," he started coolly. "As an informal gesture, I'd like to invite you to an LEP party. Nothing major. A friendly date."

Although they both knew this was an act, Holly looked immediately at her feet. "Yes, commander, I'd be honored."

Chix yawned. "Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a seven for the mushy stuff."

Lili frowned. "Shut up, Chix, take a nine."

Butler suppressed a grin. "From me, take an eight."

The judges comments were short, but still gave Root a swell of pride. He walked back to his seat, but not before throwing Artemis a gloating expression.

Artemis sighed and was the final contestant to walk nervously up to the elfin captain.

"Captain," he began. "I know we have had our differences, but I'd like to…. (Artemis gulped; relationships were not his forte) goonadatewithyou."

Holly blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Would you like to go on a date with me?" Artemis started to sweat, something he wouldn't usually do. Holly noticed this.

"Artemis," she sighed. "It's just a test. You don't have to act like you're actually _sweating _to win. I'd bet that you wouldn't anyway."

Suddenly, Artemis stopped sweating. "Acting, Captain Short?"

His tone was sincere, and there was no lie in his eyes. If Holly didn't know better, her heart would have melted then and there.

Chix, however, was unimpressed.

"Sure, Mud Boy. I'll give you an eight, and no more."

"I smell jealousy," taunted Lili. "A ten."

"Amazing," said Butler. "I almost believed you, Artemis."

At this comment, Holly became cold again. "Got to your seat, Fowl," she hissed.

Artemis did so. He was still in disbelief for what he had said. Apparently, so was everyone else.

"Well," crowed Root, slicing through the silence. "In a moment, we will find out the winner."


End file.
